Are you addicted to love?

Do you find it hard to let go of relationships (incl. friendships), even when it's clear that it's time to move on? Have you ever wondered why separation is so challenging? Letting go isn't easy. It means leaving behind safety, comfort, and the familiar. What will happen next?

It’s one of the reasons why we fall into pleasure-seeking and conflict-avoiding behavior. What if we face rejection? What if the person we're attached to walks away? Here's a truth about relationships: It's not actually the person we love, but rather how they make us feel. Let that sink in for a moment. 

This truth, therefore, is why we try to hold on to what we know, fearing the loneliness and pain that may follow, even if it means neglecting ourselves and our beliefs. Luckily, there is a way to overcome this behavior. 

Written by: Melissa Magdalena & Marjolein Louisa      

If you’ve found yourself in pleasure-seeking and conflict-avoiding behavior, don’t worry, you’re not the only one. There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you. As human beings, we also have a mammal brain. It is responsible for learning how to get rewarded. Consequently, our primary instinct is to pursue pleasure and avoid pain. This is how we’re ‘programmed’. Let’s have a closer look at how this behavior shows up in our daily lives:

• Pleasure-seeking behavior: Seeking physical intimacy, pursuing emotional connection, social validation, and positive interactions with others.
  
  
• Conflict-avoiding behavior: When faced with conflicts or potentially threatening situations, the primal brain triggers a "fight-or-flight" response. In the context of relationships, conflict-avoiding behavior may show up as avoiding arguments or disagreements, suppressing emotions, or withdrawing from confrontations.

Marjolein : “In mijn huwelijk wilde ik iets, laten we zeggen, voor mijn druivenplant zorgen, en hij maakte er een probleem van... Ik voelde me gevangen. Want als ik zou besluiten trouw te blijven aan mezelf, mijn behoeften en mijn verlangens, en twee uur zou besteden aan het verzorgen van mijn druivenplant, zou ik uiteindelijk ruzie (en dus stress) krijgen met mijn man. Als ik zou besluiten om aan zijn wensen tegemoet te komen... zou ik mezelf geleidelijk meer en meer verliezen in dit huwelijk. De vraag die in mijn gedachten bleef hangen, was dat er nooit een positieve uitkomst zou komen zolang we allebei op dit niveau bleven functioneren. Als ik dit wilde overwinnen... moesten we allebei een hoger niveau bereiken als we een echte verbinding vanuit het hart wilden behouden.'

Melissa : "Ik weet nog dat ik een relatie had met mijn personal trainer, die mijn lichaamsvetpercentage zou meten als ik mijn huis binnenkwam voor onze date-avonden. Als het niet was afgenomen, zou hij erop aandringen dat ik 5 kilometer zou rennen voordat we samen de nacht doorbrachten. Wat ik ook deed Ik zou het zonder weerstand doen, zelfs als ik eerder die dag naar de sportschool was geweest. Dit extreme voorbeeld illustreert mijn neiging om plezier te zoeken, wanhopig op zoek naar zijn goedkeuring, terwijl ik mijn eigen behoeften en eigenwaarde verwaarloos. komt voort uit een diepgeworteld gebrek aan eigenliefde, omdat ik zijn behoeften/mening voorrang gaf boven die van mij, uit angst voor afwijzing.

If you're in a relationship and you find yourself neglecting your own needs, it could be due to one of these causes. Perhaps you tolerate your partner or friends making fun of you, even though deep down you don't find it amusing at all. 

Speaking your honest opinion evokes a primal fear of being abandoned, leading you to remain silent. Until a point when the metaphorical volcano erupts. But what if you begin making conscious changes and prevent the eruption of the volcano? How would that make you feel? 

Working on it, together
Overcoming primal and mammal brain patterns and developing healthier relationship behavior involves self-awareness, conscious effort and effective communication. That’s why many people find it easier to break up and seek relief in another relationship. However, this will not solve the cause and deep rooted problem. Ultimately, you will find yourself confronted with the same behavioral patterns which will ultimately lead you to the exact same situation. 

Rather than avoiding or remaining silent in your relationship, I encourage you to start finding healthy ways to connect. Show courage and determination to address the core problem and transform it positively.

There might come a moment when you’ve tried everything and come to realize that your partner is just not the right person for you. Or the profound realization that your partner will never be able to create this space for true vulnerable connection. This can be a painful moment, leaving you with many questions. It can trigger a sense of failure or cause you to feel unworthy. Perhaps, you find yourself standing in deep darkness, afraid of ending up being all alone. 

Eckhart Tolle states: "Relationships aren't here to make us happy - for true happiness lies within. They're here to make us profoundly conscious. To break us, to humble us, to make us whole again." Relationships often reveal where you’re lacking self-love and are searching for validation. What if you start working on your own inner happiness and independence? 

Unconditional love can only exist when there's unconditional love towards yourself in the first place. All that you are searching for is already inside. 

What if there's something possible between being in a relationship and actual separation (as in divorce e.d.). We've been thought to believe that there's just one way possible: either being together or separate. What if we start seeing beyond these labels? Would that be possible? Food for thought. Also for us. 

With love, 
Marjolein & Melissa