Letting go: the key to overcoming loneliness and building meaningful relationships

It shocked me when I found out that almost 50% of the Dutch population feels lonely. Well, not only is this percentage high in the Netherlands, as research shows that loneliness is a global issue. What we need are real relationships and the realization that what we seek cannot be found externally. How and why? You'll read about that in this blog, including 9 practical changes you can implement right away.

I often see it around me. We buy all sorts of things to make ourselves feel happier. New clothes, a car, food, or trinkets - buying just for the sake of buying. Buying these things gives a feeling of happiness. Well, at least for a while. Then comes a dip, and you start looking for something else to fill this empty feeling. You meet someone who makes you feel very good, and suddenly you want to spend all your time with them. Or you rush from one event to another because it makes you feel alive. Sound familiar?

When you let your happiness depend on things, other people, or situations, you make yourself dependent. You attach your self-worth and happiness to the feeling that these external factors give you. This is called conditional happiness. You cling desperately to a person, things, or the situation out of fear that it will change and your happy feeling will disappear. But... the only certainty in life is that everything changes. You cannot stop this, no matter how much you would like to. So instead of holding on to something you 'have' now and letting your happiness depend on it, it is important to develop unconditional love for yourself and others. Start with implementing the 9 practical changes to overcome feelings of loneliness today. 

Take a look around at all your belongings. How much value do you attach to them? How would it be for you if you had fewer things? Take some time this week to investigate which items you can let go of. Also, be aware of why you are buying new things. Are you trying to suppress a feeling, make yourself feel better, or do you really need it? You are not your possessions, and the more you can distance yourself from them, the more freedom you will experience.

Often, people enjoy doing the same thing continuously because it provides a sense of security. By changing your daily routine, you become more adaptable. If something unexpected happens, it's less of a big deal, and you know how to handle it. By disrupting your routine, you'll discover that you can still function well. Try something new and incorporate spontaneity.

This doesn't have to be something big right away, but try going for a walk alone, visiting a coffee shop, or attending a workshop. Take yourself on a date! Often, this comes with the fear of what others might think of you, but wake-up call: nobody is thinking about you! Just look at yourself. When you look at others, what do you think? Your thoughts often revolve around yourself and not the other person. Additionally, it's perfectly okay to tell someone that you'd prefer not to join them for a while, and you can say "no" more often.

We are all free individuals and make our own choices. You can't force anyone to come to you or do something for you. You can't change someone, so don't try. What you can change is how you deal with it. If you can't do this, you're acting out of fear and trauma. It's important to explore and heal this. The more you try to force someone into something, the more suffocating it becomes. It's like pushing a balloon underwater. The harder/further you push, the more force it creates, and eventually, you can't hold it anymore... and the balloon pops, suddenly surfacing at the least convenient moment.

And by that, I mean giving unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. Give your sincere attention to others. Instead of 'taking', focus on giving more attention to others. Discover what it does to you and the other person when you give with an open heart. I find it incredibly powerful to smile at people on the street. A small gesture can completely change a moment. Put away your phone more often and have a chat with someone on the street. These are connections that truly matter.

We could write a whole blog about this, but start by doing things you enjoy. Meditate, give yourself a massage, or go to bed early. My personal favorite is looking at myself in the mirror and saying kind things. Often, we associate chocolate or going to the hairdresser with self-love. As far as I'm concerned, this is a disguised form of self-love. It's still external. Sometimes, self-love is fasting or resting.

We often think we have control over the future, but nothing could be further from the truth. You can determine a direction, but you never know how it will turn out. All you can do is take a step in the present. Ensure that what you're doing now aligns with who you want to be in the future. Small steps lead to a new reality. When you realize that the future is not a given, you can fully embrace the current moment.

Think about the people in your life who are truly important and why. For example, who is there for you when times get tough? Often, people are there when things are going well, but are they there in difficult times? Keep these people close. Make it a priority to tell these people how much they mean to you. Do this personally with a card, visit them, or call them. What we often do is send a quick message on WhatsApp or social media, but this is not a real connection. A physical hug for at least 30 seconds is extremely powerful. Stop giving polite handshakes and give that person a good, tight hug!

Addictions suppress your inner peace. You're constantly focused on the next thing. I've had multiple addictions myself, so I know how difficult it is to overcome them. Maybe you even need external help. I want to emphasize that it's important not to punish yourself. This is negative energy and only adds more pressure to the idea that you 'have' to quit. Instead, it's important to explore where it comes from. What does it give you? What comes up when you try to quit?

If you cling desperately to things, people, and situations you think make you happy, then you have no room for what truly brings you happiness. Once you have found more peace and become less dependent, new people can come into your life. By having more inner peace, you can connect with others on deeper levels. This leads to healthy relationships with your surroundings because you first have a healthy relationship with yourself.

Your happiness does not depend on someone else. You are responsible for how you shape your life, and you are allowed to make different choices than those around you. Know that distancing yourself from people, things, and situations can be difficult. Letting go is a process, and it's okay to take time for it. Treasure what the person has meant to you, but give yourself the freedom to move on with your life. By finding healing in the process of letting go, you can enter into new relationships from a place of wholeness. You connect with others not out of fear or trauma but out of love.

This may sound easier said than done, but believe me, it's an ongoing process. It took me years to find complete acceptance within myself and the silence. So be kind to yourself in this process. Keep a journal where you write down your successes and reflect on situations you have experienced. Talk to people you feel comfortable with. You are not alone. Everything you seek... is within yourself.

With love, Melissa